I am Ayla. I’m 25, I work as a nurse at a skilled facility that like every place of work has its issues. I love my residents, I love what I do for work. I don’t do much outside of work, I have one close friend that will be moving away and that breaks my heart. I play Minecraft and am trying to get better at Injustice: Gods among us. I love watching my Mike play Final Fantasy or any game for that matter. I love waking up to a cat or two in my face and Mike next to me. I love spending every Sunday morning going out to coffee and hanging out with Mike. Love when I get the chance to join him and his parents for Sunday dinner, and pick fresh fruit and veggies for the week to come. Love hanging with my sister and kids. I love my blue eyes. I hurt myself doing the couch to 5K, which I’m proud of, at least I was doing something when it happened, go me! I love that i survived a hard core year of nursing school.
Then There’s the things that I hate about myself and hate to share anyone. I am over weight, ok yeah I know you know that. I hate that my belly can be used as a shelf. I hate my pants wear out so fast in between my legs. I hate that i have a very small selection when it come to buying cloths, i hate i cant go to the mall and just pick something off any shelf. I hate that I hate myself this way but don’t do shit about it. I hate that losing weight is scary. I was raped when I was younger and sexually assaulted in my teens, I don’t want that type of attention. I’m so frightened that will happen if I lose the weight, if I become more beautiful/pretty than I already am. If you were to ask how I am, the worse you’ll ever here me say is meh, or ok. I don’t want to bother anyone with my troubles, when they are nothing compared to others issues. I eat fast food/junk in my car so know one will ever know. I know gluten free is best for me, the month I was strict I lost 20lbs, yet i don’t stick to it. I have hypertension, depression and take meds for both. My house is a mess and never feels like home. I don’t care to do anything about. I’m bad with money and almost always overdraw every pay period even with my bigger checks. I talk down to myself, think thoughts that shouldn’t be thought. Wish for the future, but wish to have it all now, but miss the past.
There is this person inside of me, a strong, confident, amazing, caring, health, happy, athletic person that’s dieing to come out, she yells and screams sometimes, trying to get me to listen and I don’t. I want that person I see, I envision myself to be. She wants, she needs to come out. I can’t keep lying to myself and the ones I love. I need to suck it up and get the fuck off the couch. Swim, start riding my bike once my foot stops hurting so much. Eat gluten free, as much as I dislike it. I need to learn to love it, play with recipes, figure out what I can make and what I love and making as much as possible. Most importantly, I need to start being honest with myself without doing further damage.
I am Ayla, and this is me, I will continue to improve my own self worth with every step, breathe and moment I have. Life is short and I need to start living the best me I can be.
Thanks for listening