i’m back, let’s see how this goes. I now weight about 30lbs pounds more than when I started this blog 2 years ago, hell maybe even more than that. It’s wasn’t long ago that the scale read 299lbs, not okay, I’m not sure what I would have done if it ever read 300… I don’t think I’d be able to stop crying. I’m down to 287. Over like 3 months, or more, but at least it’s in the right direction. I’m at a new job now, been hard to get use to, but I’m not being stuck in the phone room as often, thank goodness!! Well short and sweet for today. More tomorrow.
I had a loved one ask me how I was doing today. i couldn’t answer, I honestly don’t know. Even though I have taken big steps this last month I still hate myself over other things. I was reading something a stranger wrote, she too struggles with losing weight;
You can’t take care of someone you hate.
These words spoke to me. They embody what’s standing in my way. It’s so true, and so simple. If I hated my patients I couldn’t take care of them the way they need me to. The same goes for myself.
I wanted to share this simple phrase hoping that it to speaks to someone and helps them in whatever way they need it to.
I work in a skilled rehab facility. There are planty of patients that come through, they fell, the broke something, had surgery, got rehab, and happily go home. There are others that come in and all I can think is, why the fuck did you do that to your self, why would you make choices like that, choices that got you to this point. But they are like me, they have something that has control of their life that they couldn’t or wouldn’t let go of. There are people that come through that ate themselves sick, drank so much they kicked their livers ass and countless other things that was mainly caused by a addiction. Most of these people didn’t have a traditional ‘addiction’, but they still had/have one.
My addiction is food. I’m Ayla, I am a compulsive overeater. I have taken some big steps the last month, I’ve eaten 100% gluten free, meditated (at least tried) every night for almost 2 weeks now, and I have gone to 4 OA meetings. Being part of OA (overeaters anonymous) has shown me I’m not alone. I want to learn from this group of amazing people. I’m ready for it. I am ready to take the steps to insure I am not a patient that someone wants to say wft to/about.
I am Ayla. I’m 25, I work as a nurse at a skilled facility that like every place of work has its issues. I love my residents, I love what I do for work. I don’t do much outside of work, I have one close friend that will be moving away and that breaks my heart. I play Minecraft and am trying to get better at Injustice: Gods among us. I love watching my Mike play Final Fantasy or any game for that matter. I love waking up to a cat or two in my face and Mike next to me. I love spending every Sunday morning going out to coffee and hanging out with Mike. Love when I get the chance to join him and his parents for Sunday dinner, and pick fresh fruit and veggies for the week to come. Love hanging with my sister and kids. I love my blue eyes. I hurt myself doing the couch to 5K, which I’m proud of, at least I was doing something when it happened, go me! I love that i survived a hard core year of nursing school.
Then There’s the things that I hate about myself and hate to share anyone. I am over weight, ok yeah I know you know that. I hate that my belly can be used as a shelf. I hate my pants wear out so fast in between my legs. I hate that i have a very small selection when it come to buying cloths, i hate i cant go to the mall and just pick something off any shelf. I hate that I hate myself this way but don’t do shit about it. I hate that losing weight is scary. I was raped when I was younger and sexually assaulted in my teens, I don’t want that type of attention. I’m so frightened that will happen if I lose the weight, if I become more beautiful/pretty than I already am. If you were to ask how I am, the worse you’ll ever here me say is meh, or ok. I don’t want to bother anyone with my troubles, when they are nothing compared to others issues. I eat fast food/junk in my car so know one will ever know. I know gluten free is best for me, the month I was strict I lost 20lbs, yet i don’t stick to it. I have hypertension, depression and take meds for both. My house is a mess and never feels like home. I don’t care to do anything about. I’m bad with money and almost always overdraw every pay period even with my bigger checks. I talk down to myself, think thoughts that shouldn’t be thought. Wish for the future, but wish to have it all now, but miss the past.
There is this person inside of me, a strong, confident, amazing, caring, health, happy, athletic person that’s dieing to come out, she yells and screams sometimes, trying to get me to listen and I don’t. I want that person I see, I envision myself to be. She wants, she needs to come out. I can’t keep lying to myself and the ones I love. I need to suck it up and get the fuck off the couch. Swim, start riding my bike once my foot stops hurting so much. Eat gluten free, as much as I dislike it. I need to learn to love it, play with recipes, figure out what I can make and what I love and making as much as possible. Most importantly, I need to start being honest with myself without doing further damage.
I am Ayla, and this is me, I will continue to improve my own self worth with every step, breathe and moment I have. Life is short and I need to start living the best me I can be.
Thanks for listening
I found this 4 min workout on pintrest a while back, and I keep thinking about it. I’m starting as of now!! Taking her 3 wk challenge, and making it a habit. It’s 30 sec push ups, 30 sec leg lifts, 60 sec plank, 30 sec spider mans, 30 sec bridges, then 60 sec handstands (yeah I can’t do that so I will be another 60 sec of push ups) every morning, or when ever I wake up. I challenge anybody else out there to join me. Lets do this! 3 weeks every morning, and see the results
So I figured it out. This year… I wanna grow up (as much as I gotta), I will keep a cleanish home, workout often, get more organized, and start my new career as a LPN, move into a better place, hopefully get married, and maybe even start on a bigger family ;)
Can’t wait till I graduate, last day at Pioneer on Feb 21, only 49 more days. Holy cow!!!!!!
So Mike and his folks bought me a Nike fuel band this Christmas. It’s really cool, it’s a lot like my body bug, but it is a bracelet (making it not annoy like the Bug), it syncs with my phone, and don’t have to pay a subscription fee to use the website. The cool thing is I didn’t even ask for it, it’s really cool. I’ve had it since Christmas and have made the goal for Fuel points everyday but one, and my steps have been very close to 10000, if not over. Very excited about having it.
Mike has been really awesome lately or I’ve been in a better mind set, either way I’m felling really good about everything. One of my co-workers is pregnant and I’m really jelious, I think it’s made me be more on the ball, I wanna get married on the beach in Hawaii and I want Mike and I to bring a kid onto this world, but before all that happens I would really like to lose some weight and be more in shape. So here it goes.
Nike Fuel Band help me on my new determination path… Or something!! ;)
So this is ridiculous. I don’t get what the hell is going on. First at the beginning of the week someone starts shooting at the Clackamas mall, and if it wasn’t for his gun jamming there would have been way more than 2 killed and 1 seriously injured. Then today 20 children are kill, along with 7 adults…. Wtf, and don’t forget about the 22 children and old woman in China that was stabbed, which has been apparently happening for years now. No one was killed in China, which is good, but why the fuck children. Who fuck wakes up and goes, “I’m angry at the world, you know what I’m gonna do, I’m gonna go hurt/kill some children who have their whole fucking life ahead of them.” I’ve been at the State Hospital last term and again this term and I understand that these people have unstable mental health, but it doesn’t make any of it okay. I ask why, how they think this is okay, but I know, or at least have an idea why. It sounded like a good idea to them, maybe they both realized what they did after and that’s why they fucking killed themselves, who knows. This just sucks. I’m so angry right now, and have no idea what to do about it. It feels like this country is falling apart, or maybe that’s just growing up, I wish I knew. Balls
So this blog isn’t helping with motivation like I thought it might. Or well I guess my head just isn’t in it. I don’t know what to do, what to change. Why I can’t get my head in the game. I’m so scared of losing weight. It honestly scares the shit out of me. I don’t want people to notice me. So I guess that decides it, time to start looking for a counselor again. The last time I was on the right track I had one, so by the beginning of the year I will have a new counselor and get back on track to who I want to grow up and be. Healthy, smart, confident, and fit. Woot! Lets do this shit!
So Mike introduced me to this app called GymPact. I’ve had it for a while but have only started using it over 3 weeks ago. Basically what you do is bet this app that you’ll go to the gym X amount of days for X amount of money per workout. I have now made $3.75, I’ve bet the app that I’ll go to the gym 3 days a week at $25 a day. This app is pretty awesome, it’s payed by the ones that don’t make their bet. Love it! Next month starting the week of Dec 3rd I’m upping it to 4 days.